Let's Try it Another Way, Shall We?
by garfieldodie
Summary: Series 7. A couple of scenes from "Ouroboros" with Rimmer present and in on the plot. Just wanted to see what it would maybe have been like.
1. Ouroboros 1

**Author's Note: **_Ugh. Fanfiction's being a pain in the ass right now... Where was I?_

_Okay, so I've been listening to a lot of the griping about Series VII, and the consensus is that it failed for many reasons, the biggest one being the lack of Rimmer. So I've taken the liberty of giving Rimmer's some scenes in "Ouroboros", and just wrote what came naturally._

_It's not lead into gold, but it did what I tried to do._

_Enjoy._

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It was a complex situation, and quite frankly, Rimmer didn't know quite what to make of it.

They had stumbled upon a Linkway to a parallel dimension. They'd dived straight into it and somehow their cargo bay had developed a great big blue swirly tunnel.

Naturally, they'd ventured through it (it was about as stable as the sets from Babylon 5), and they'd encountered a parallel version of themselves.

Well, almost.

Lister was a hologram, Cat had a strange new accent and Kryten had a gold body.

Also, he wasn't there.

And Kochanski was.

The only thing that saved the moment for Rimmer was the fact that in this, the most important moment in Lister's life, he was wearing a frilly pink nightgown with dental floss glued into his mouth.

But then some GELFs randomly appeared, apparently having chased after Lister so that he would return to his bride from a year before. Kochanski ended up on the wrong side of the Linkway and now was stuck with them.

Rimmer was very divided on the situation. On the one hand, she was his superior officer and outranked him, and she'd tried pulling rank on him a handful of times. It annoyed him.

Then again, he knew for a fact that even though he'd _technically_ been the highest-ranking crewmember beforehand, he'd never had that much authority of the others anyway, so what was the point in griping? If she tried that again, well, she was barking up the wrong tree.

He also was forced to admit she'd been most helpful in disposing of the GELFs, and he grudgingly had to admit that her navigation skills were superb (although he could've done without her breathing down his neck as she pressed buttons for him).

But there was one other problem he had with her: she was a bit of a bitch.

They save her life, and she becomes this angry little tart.

But he couldn't help but be silently amused by Kryten, who was suddenly turning into Lister's mother, fretting that he would like Kochanski more than him. Ironic because Lister had liked Kochanski more than all three of them long before she'd even arrived.

He was just leaving the cockpit when he passed into Mid Ships and spied Kochanski hard at work at one of her computer consoles at the table.

She didn't even look up at him when she asked, "Did you lay down the S-S Line?"

"Mmm-hmmm," Rimmer replied half-heartedly, passing by her and heading for the galley.

She glared up at him. "What was that?" she asked in a threatening tone.

Oh, she was pulling rank again. What a bore.

"I said, mmm-hmmm, _ma'am_," he replied, glaring back at her as he headed for the cupboards.

"What are you doing?" she continued, looking back at the screens.

"Making myself a cup of tea, _ma'am_," he replied, getting his cup down and heading for the kettle.

"You're a hologram. You don't drink tea."

Rimmer acted as if she hadn't spoken. He simply carried on preparing the kettle.

"You're wasting supplies."

"I'm making tea."

"You're not a living being. You don't need tea."

"I'm thirsty."

"That's just your programming. You shouldn't have tea. The rest of us need the supplies more than you do."

"It's never stopped me before."

She finally looked at him again with a glare that could've frozen the water supply.

"Mr Rimmer, I am ordering you to stop making tea," she said firmly.

But Rimmer just smirked in her direction and put the kettle on, turning on the stove. "I don't recognize your authority, Miss Kochanski," he said, grinning a very weasely grin.

At this, Kochanski stood up and walked sternly over to him. "Do you want me to court-martial you?"

It was in this moment that Rimmer realized just what a prat he had really been back in the old days. He couldn't help but feel a rush of excitement as he said what he said next.

"Court-martial me to whom?"

She narrowed her eyes at him, looking like she deciding what to say, before she finally let out an angry growl and turned away, stalking back to the computers. "I can't _wait _to be _out of here_!" she snapped.

Rimmer's head dipped in triumph as he waited for the kettle to boil.

Later that day, he was heading down the corridor to the sleeping quarters. He was going to do some reading when he heard raised voices coming from Lister's quarters. Curious, he headed in that direction, and he was rather surprised when he had to dive out of the way of a weeping mechanoid.

"Oh, excuse me, Mr Rimmer, sir!" Kryten wailed, scurrying past him and vanishing around the corner.

Staring in confusion, Rimmer looked back at Lister's quarters, and once convinced no one was going to bowl him over again, he continued inside and saw some barely touched laundry on an ironing board, a discarded laundry basket and Lister sitting on his surprisingly messy bunk.

Well, not that surprising, but given that Kryten had just been here…

Feeling his smarmy grin spread-eagling across his face, he put his hands behind his back and strolled casually inside.

"Ah, Listy, I trust you're enjoying yourself now that your little woman had come back into your life," he said in a _very _patronizing voice.

"Yeah, it's alright, I suppose," Lister said quietly, looking very far away.

Rimmer grinned. He'd been waiting for this moment for a long time.

"Why Listy, do I detect a hint of discontent?"

Lister finally scowled. "Smeg off, Rimmer," he groaned, twisting and lying down on the bunk.

"You're not _jealous_, are you?"

"Smeg _off_, Rimmer!"

Ah, there's the magic spot.

"But Listy, how can you be jealous? After all, you'd only be jealous of yourself!"

"Rimmer, he's not me! _I'm _me! He's a me who got a lucky break that I didn't!"

Rimmer was _loving _this. "I'd think that you'd be pleased that _somewhere_, in some _other dimension_, another you is doing really well. I figure this other you must really deserve it.

"Oh please!" Lister snapped, crossing his arms defensively. "This Lister probably knits little lace doilies in his spare time! He probably drinks wine! I bet he _sips_ it!"

Rimmer grinned, going in for the kill.

"I bet he eats kippers."

"Probably…"

"I bet he likes them smoked."

"Most likely!"

"And then the smug git probably wants them for breakfast!"

"Yeah!"

Rimmer waited, and watched with admiration as Lister finally realized the direction this conversation had taken. When he did, it was like watching a building collapse.

"Smeg…," Lister groaned, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"I'm afraid so, Listy," Rimmer said, in a voice that was either sympathetic or mocking (probably both). "Just as I hated Ace Rimmer for having what I wanted, courage, career, friends, _you _despise Ace _Lister _for having Kochanski."

Lister looked like he was still up for putting up a fight. "It's not fair! Why'd he get the lucky break?" he demanded.

Rimmer stared at him incredulously. "Lucky break?" he repeated. "Lister, he's _dead_! You call _that _a lucky break?"

Lister seemed to register how hollow that sounded and sat up so he could rub his eyes more thoroughly.

"I thought I could live with the idea of another me getting her, alright?" he moaned. "I just can't bear to _see _her with him! What do I do?"

Rimmer snorted indifferently. "What _can _you do? It's not like she's staying. She's already at work trying to get the Linkway back."

"Damn…"

Rimmer sighed, deciding he'd had his fun and tried to give consolation instead.

"Look, Listy, it's not big deal. So what if this version of Kochanski doesn't like you? Who knows? Maybe we'll find another version of her who _does _like you curry stain and you lack of hygiene and your horrible guitar skills and your bubble gum experiments…"

"_Rimmer_…," Lister said in a warning tone.

Rimmer realized he wasn't very good at this.

"Right, I'll just…go then."

And he did indeed turn to go, but Lister could've sworn he heard him muttering, "I wonder if she'll take me with her."

He rolled his eyes and set about cleaning up the mess.


	2. Ouroboros 2

**Author's Notes: **_This chapter inserts Rimmer into the scenes with the Parallel Crew and the revelation of Lister's origins._

_I might do Duct Soup next. We'll see..._

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They didn't particularly care for the parallel crew.

Kochanski had managed to locate the Linkway back to her dimension, and Kryten couldn't have been happier.

The parallel crew gave them supplies, but Rimmer felt they were as bad as Kochanski: judgmental, standoffish and snobby.

Rimmer found himself stuck with Parallel Lister and the Parallel Cat as they brought supplies across the Linkway. They didn't even look at him. They were just in a hurry to leave.

They brought a load of long boxes and crates, stacking them up in the Mid-Section where Kochanski just sat around and filed her nails, and Cat was busy making sure everything was stabilized.

Finally, they had brought the last of it, and the Cat was just coming down to see what else needed doing.

Parallel Cat passed him another long crate.

"We brought the supplies requested by your Lister Dude," he said in a very authoritative voice.

The Cat took the crate from him and turned his face away from it in disgust.

"Phoowee! I may need to have my nose hermetically sealed!" he said.

Parallel Lister glanced over at Kochanski. "Is this right?" he asked, looking rather disturbed. "Twenty tons of Indian food and absolutely no sprouts?"

"You should see this place on Saturday nights," Rimmer remarked. "We're still scraping the remnants of last week off the ceiling."

Cat chuckled. "Yeah, that always happens when we use the pressure cooker," he added.

But the Parallel Crew did not look amused. Instead, Parallel Lister tapped his watch at Kochanski and motioned for her to hurry up. They shot the crew one last disparaging glance before leaving.

Rimmer glared. "Smug gits."

"You said it," the Cat agreed.

Just then, Kryten approached them carrying a tray with drinks on it.

"Champagne, everyone!" he said happily. "If this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know what does!"

"What are we celebrating exactly?" Cat asked.

Kryten, standing to the side of and just behind Kochanski, gestured towards her with his head and mouthed "She's leaving!" Kochanski turned to the mech who instantly smiled at her and held out a drink.

"You've found your crewmates at last – how wonderful!"

"Thanks, Kryten," Kochanski said wryly.

Smiling pleasantly, Kryten passed Rimmer and Cat their drinks before skipping merrily down the corridor.

Rimmer and Cat downed their drinks and set off to get more supplies.

A few hours later, they were both lugging up a very heavy box. They didn't know what was in it, but it had been left for them by Kochanski's crew.

Well, actually it had been shoved at them while they were running off back down the Linkway, but whatever.

They were just passing Kochanski as she headed down the Linkway (she muttered a goodbye), and they were heading for the Mid-Section when they happened on Lister and Kryten, who went to help them.

"What's this?" Lister asked.

"Supplies from Bud-Babe's ship," Cat replied.

"No, _this_," Lister said, indicating a marking on the top of the box.

"Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir," Kryten explained. "The snake is eating it's own tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no beginning or end."

"What's it doing on 'ere?"

"The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries: everlasting."

Lister started at that word.

"Ourobo-what?"

Lister immediately took the box and set it down, looking at it intently.

"Ouroboros, sir," Kryten repeated. "It's the name of the symbol."

Lister rubbed his hand along the top of the box, revealing the _Ouroboros Batteries _legend stenciled on it. His eyes grew wide as he stared at the word.

"What is it, bud?" Cat asked.

"Ouroboros…," Lister said, looking shell-shocked. "It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was _Ouroboros_!"

"What was?" Rimmer asked.

"The message that was written on the side of my box!"

"Box…? You mean the one you were abandoned in?"

Lister's eyes widened. "I know who my parents are… I know who I am… I understand now!" he exclaimed.

Needless to say, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten were all looking at him excitedly.

"Explain, sir!" Kryten insisted.

"The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got, the frozen embryo – it's me!"

They stared at him, now a little confused.

"At some point after the baby's born, we must go back in time and leave me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms! We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain! I'm my own father…and Kriss is my ex-girlfriend and me mum!"

The crew digested this news.

Rimmer finally found the ability to speak (thankfully before the Cat did).

"Hold on, hold on, let me get this clear in my head," he said, rubbing his temples. "You're telling us that you are, in fact, your own _father_. And that the only way this is possible is because you are in an in-vitro tube, a device than can _make it's own baby_, a device which Kochanski is currently carrying back to _her _dimension even as we speak?"

"Exactly, man, what do I do?" Lister asked, looking very worried.

Rimmer stared at him like he was biggest idiot in the entire known universe.

"_RUN, YOU JAMMY GOIT!_" he hollered, pointing at the Linkway frantically.

Lister immediately tore for the Linkway, followed closely by the others.

They ran along the blue swirling tunnel as fast as they could, the Parallel Crew off in the distance, but still close enough.

"Mum, wait!" Lister shouted instinctively.

The Parallel Crew turned around.

"What?" Kochanski called back.

"I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!"

But they were too far away to hear properly.

"It's what?"

Without warning, sparks burst from the roof of the Linkway.

"Oh, _please _don't tell me the GELFs are back," Rimmer moaned.

"Nothing quite so random, sir," Kryten replied. "The Linkway is breaking down!"

The decaying Linkway shuddered and tore apart, again stranding the unfortunate Kochanski in the wrong dimension.

The two crews looked across at each other helplessly.

This time, Kochanski wasn't going to put up with it. Setting her sighs on the ragged ledge of the Linkway that floated temptingly just feet away, she shrugged off her jacket and unclipped her heavy belt.

"What are you doing?" Lister demanded.

"I'm gonna jump!"

With that, Kochanski sprung forward and sprinted for the tear, ignoring the shouts from behind her.

_Cat_

"You'll never make it!"

_Kryten_

"Ma'am!"

_Rimmer_

"Don't do it!"

_Lister_

"KRISS, NO!"

Kochanski took a wild leap, fingers stretching for the lip of the Linkway. Spread almost flat, she fell short by mere centimeters and plummeted into the blackness of non-space.

Lister, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten stared into the abyss in stunned silence.

"How did that just happen?" Cat asked quietly.

On the other side, the Parallel Lister was struggling to free himself from his crewmates' grip as they held him back.

"Kristine!" he shouted, trying to dive after her.

"We've lost her, sir," Kryten said, sounding rather stunned by what had just transpired.

"No…," Lister said desperately. "No!"

"Kristine!" the Parallel Lister shouted again.

But the other side of the Linkway was already reversing itself away from our _Dwarfers_ and vanished into the darkness.

Just then, Lister's communicator suddenly emitted a bleep. He fumbled it out.

"Yeah?" he asked nervously.

"_Hi, it's me_," Kochanski replied shakily.

"Hi."

"_I've decided to stay. Just one proviso_…"

"Yeah?"

"_Save my life, okay?_"

Before they knew it, the crew were back in the cargo bay, ripping lids off of boxes and looking for anything they could use.

Lister finally found something in another of the boxes.

"What's this?" he asked Rimmer.

"It's mountaineering equipment from Kochanski's ship," he replied.

"A crossbow?"

"I thought it might come in handy the next time we run into your wife."

"_You've got a bout twenty seconds before I'm out of reach!_" Kochanski alerted them.

Behind them, Cat pulled out several lengths of rope from another box.

"Rope?" he offered, holding out the coils.

Lister examined one of the ropes and looked at the crossbow before grabbing one and sprinting back down the Linkway. The others looked confused but followed after him.

"_I'm getting a _mite _panicky here_!"

Lister ran up to the lip of the Linkway, attached the rope to a crossbow bolt and took careful aim through the telescopic sight. Sweat beading on his brow, his finger tensed. He knew that a stray shot would end the life of the only woman he had ever truly loved.

He pulled the trigger, and the bolt hurled itself into the abyss.

The pile of rope uncoiled with dizzying speed as the bolt arced through the blackness…

…until finally it stopped, signaling it had something.

Quickly, Lister, Rimmer and Cat struggled to bring the rope back up.

Lister's communicator bleeped, and Kryten took it from his pocket. The mech listened to the caller's voice before his eyes widened.

"It's an obscene phone call, sir," he said nervously. "I think it's for you."


End file.
